A few nights ago, as I was trying to go to sleep, I heard some weird and creepy noises coming from above my bedroom. I live on the top floor of an apartment. Building noises above my ceiling usually mean my landlords have hired roofers or someone is installing a new satellite dish. When these noises occur at midnight, I’m completely creeped out. In order to calm myself, I usually text my good friend Brandon (who lives in another state) so that I can have someone say “oh it’s nothing. It’s probably just the wind. You’ll be fine.”
The following is our text conversation from the night in all it’s inane glory. I hope you enjoy it.
(Just a quick note: I do not think murder is a joke, but making light of a situation I logically know is going to be okay is a way I calm myself down. And I was really and truly panicked about the noises when they first started happening.)
Me: So there may or may not be an animal or human snooping around my bedroom windows. I’m pretty creeped out. It’s times like these I need a big loud dog to keep me from getting murdered.
Brandon: I’m sure it’s just a squirrel or something. Wish I could do something to help.
Me: Yup. It’s taunting me now. It takes a few slogging loud steps, no noise for a minute, then it takes a few more steps in a different corner.
Brandon: It’s probably just a raccoon or something. Wish I could help. If I could I’d come and chase it off for you.
Me: Or it’s a murderer and you being here would just increase the body count.
Brandon: Call the cops. Though I’m sure it’s probably nothing.
Me: And I’m going to die hungry. All I’ve had today was 2 bowls of corn pops and a small movie theater popcorn.
Brandon: You’re not going to die. And go eat something.
Me: All I have is corn pops. And its 1am. And turning on the lights might be seen as an invite to the murderer to come in for corn pops. Unless he’s a vampire and I’d have to verbally give him permission to come in. But I don’t think it’s a vampire. They’re usually more charming and charismatic and less break in through my window.
Brandon: You should get groceries.
Me: Now?! But there’s a murderer out there!
Brandon: Yeah, now is not the best time.
Me: And my grocery store is probably not even open right now.
Me: Now my murderer is being less noisy. Just making clicky noises. He’s probably just drilling into the power so I’m in the dark and confused.
Brandon: Or it’s a raccoon. And corn pops aren’t food. You need real food.
Me: Corn pops are totally food. And if it IS a raccoon, he probably wants the corn pops we keep talking about.
Brandon: So the raccoon is intercepting your texts?
Me: Well whatever it is is drilling into my power system. It’s clearly a criminal or an incredibly smart and resourceful raccoon. They both wear little black masks. Coincidence? I think not.
Brandon: Do you have neighbors? Maybe it’s a person stealing your aluminum gutters or siding. People sell it as scrap.
Me: Oh! I think it’s an owl! I think the clickey noises are him pecking and tearing up little rodent bits! I heard a great horned owl out there this summer. I bet it’s him.
Brandon: Yeah that makes more sense. Glad you don’t have a murderer on your hands.
Me: Oh an owl is SO much better than a murderer.
Me: So now I’m awake at 2 am and full of adrenaline. But I’m also sleepy. And hungry. I think I win the who’s more dwarfs contest.
Me: Sleepy. Hungry. Awakey. They’re all dwarfs, right? I think Adrenaliney was on the B-team. And I think Owly was in Sleeping Beauty. So my dwarfs tally is 5.
Brandon: I’m sleepy and hero-y. Does that count?
Me: I think Hero-y was Prince Charming’s alternate name, and he was of normal height. So you’re only one dwarf. Yay! I win at dwarfs!
Brandon: You get the prize tonight. Congrats.
Me: Too bad said prize isn’t Fettuccine Alfredo. But then again if it were, I’d be only 4 dwarves.
Brandon: Your prize tonight is not getting murdered.
Me: Yeah I’ll take it. It’s a pretty good prize.